The Great Divide

When we hear of pregnancy, the reaction is easy- joy.  The questions and comments are commonplace. When are you due? Will you find out the sex of the baby? What names have you picked out?  With adoption there is a lack of understanding that the adoptive parents feel all the same emotions as expectant parents through pregnancy: anxiety, excitement, financial worries etc.  In fact, many don't regard adoptive parents as expectant parents at all.  Sadly, they are looked at in a different light...yes, it's true.

We've received comments like," Oh, well you'll adopt and then get pregnant right away."  This is hurtful because it diminishes the excitement of the adoption by making it sound like it is a means to an end and not a happy and joyous way to become parents.  Other remarks include,"Oh, that child is so lucky to have you. You saved them from a potential horrible situation." Or "How much did your baby cost?"

Again, we're faced with negativity when trying to celebrate the milestone of our pending parenthood. As adoptive parents we are (sort of) trained on how to answer insensitive questions gracefully by reminding people that we will be lucky to have our adopted child.  We educate people by pointing out that the baby didn't cost anything, however the adoption process entails paying agency fees, attorney fees, and travel expenses - just to name a few of the costs.  I have never heard anyone ask a pregnant woman how much she paid in medical bills to have her baby.

I'm pretty sure these people mean well, but it just comes out all wrong.  Why not just offer a congratulatory word?  Definitely feel free to ask us the same questions (for the most part) you would ask a pregnant woman...you might be surprised at our answers and how similar they are.

You’re pregnant…I’m paper pregnant (aka: have a completed home study) and waiting

You’re scared of stretch marks and how you are going to get back to your pre-pregnancy weight…I’m scared of the potential health consequences of not ever sustaining a pregnancy (increased cancer risk, etc.)

You’re worried if breastfeeding will hurt…I’m worried how wallet-friendly formula and bottle feeding will be

You’re researching baby products to find out their safety ratings…I’m researching the effects of drugs and alcohol in case I’m presented with a case where one or both were used during the pregnancy

You’re wondering who the baby will look more like…I’m wondering how the world around me will react if my baby is of another race than me

You’re stressed about your portion of the hospital bill for the birth…I’m stressed about the mountains of legal fees I’m going to have to pay

You’re nesting…I’m dying to nest

You’re becoming a mom through biology…I’m becoming a mom through love

You’re deciding if you should start a college fund now…I’m deciding what items I’ll pay a birth mother for during her pregnancy (clothes, transportation, medical, rent, etc.)

You’re excited and nervous for what the future will hold for your baby…I’m excited and nervous for what the future will hold for my baby

Happy Birthday America!

Independence Day, also known as 4th of July, is the birthday of the United States of America. It is celebrated on July 4th each year in the United States. The Declaration of Independence was adopted by the Continental Congress, starting the 13 colonies on the road to freedom as a sovereign nation. As always, this most American of holidays will be marked by parades, fireworks and backyard barbecues across the country. 

4th of July Fun Facts:

31 - Number of places nationwide with "liberty" in their name
11 - Number of places nationwide with "independence" in their name
50 - The number of U.S. flags that are flown 24 hours a day at the Washington Monument in Washington DC. Other places where American flags are flown continuously include Fort McHenry in Baltimore, Maryland; the United States Marine Corp Memorial (Iwo Jima) in Arlington, Virginia; on the Battle Green in Lexington, Massachusetts; and over the White House in our nation's capitol.

What do the colors of the flag mean?
White signifies purity and innocence; Red, hardiness & valour; and Blue, signifies vigilance, perseverance & justice.

The American's Creed

by William Tyler Page

I believe in the United States of America as a government of the people, by the people, for the people; whose just powers are derived from the consent of the governed, a democracy in a republic, a sovereign Nation of many sovereign States; a perfect union, one and inseparable; established upon those principles of freedom, equality, justice, and humanity for which American patriots sacrificed their lives and fortunes.

I therefore believe it is my duty to my country to love it, to support its Constitution, to obey its laws, to respect its flag, and to defend it against all enemies.

–Written 1917, accepted by the United States House of Representatives on April 3, 1918.

And I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free.
And I won't forget the men who died, who gave that right to me.
~Lee Greenwood

'Paper' Pregnant and Emotions

In adoption circles, you hear the term paper pregnant.  Rachel thinks it’s quite cute.  In a physical pregnancy everyone around you sees your physical changes and there is no doubt that you are indeed expecting a baby.  However, with an adoption, there are no physical signs to tell the world that you, too, are expecting a baby. 

We've been told (1) that we might experience a range of emotions, similar to those of a physical pregnancy and (2) since we received 'The Call' we are not the same people that we were before that day...our lives have literally changed in this short amount of time already - whether we know it (accept it) or not. 

Pregnancy (because technically, we are pregnant and expecting a baby!) can evoke feelings of euphoria, worry, anxiety, shock, pride, happiness (and various others) all at once or one right after another. These feelings are perfectly normal as we're getting caught up in the excitement of bringing home our baby.  It's natural to worry about the baby's health, adjustment to becoming parents, financial decisions, and what type of parents we'll be, right? 

We need to remember to breathe in, breathe out......it has only been a little over 3 weeks since we've been matched.

WOW, really, only 3 weeks -- feels like a lot longer.  :)
 

Father's Day Thoughts

Father's Day is a time to honor and celebrate the fathers and father figures in your life. Show your father how much you love and appreciate them for being there for you and instilling the values that you have carried on through your life as an adult. No matter what relationship you have had with your father, you will have learned valuable lessons in life.

WHAT IS A DAD?
A dad is someone who wants to catch you before you fall but instead picks you up, brushes you off, and lets you try again.

A dad is someone who wants to keep you from making mistakes but instead lets you find your own way, even though his heart breaks in silence when you get hurt.

A dad is someone who holds you when you cry, scolds you when you break the rules, shines with pride when you succeed, and has faith in you even when you fail...
- Unknown

He is a rescuer, a protector and a mentor. Even if he's not so good at picking up his socks, he's a pro at picking up his big broom and sweeping up our life messes. He's a safety net and a savior, a fixer and a playmate whose rough-housing can be more fun than a puppy. But beyond the heavy lifting and unenviable tasks that dads do - from doling out loans, to moving furniture, to fixing broken pipes, to putting on the snow chains, Dads are teachers. The lessons aren't always appreciated or recognized at the moment of delivery, but they inevitably leave an imprint that reinforces our lives with strength, humor and integrity.

Consider this our way of honoring the fathers in our lives.  Happy Father's Day to you!  Love you all.

Houston, we have a MATCH!

We got a call from our agency - the agency in California - on May 31st.  The call came into our home phone approximately 10:45am (Eastern time) and wouldn't you know it both of us were at work that day (of course we were, it was a 'normal' work day for us).  Occasionally one or both of us check the messages at home throughout the day, especially if either of us is waiting to hear from someone.  On this particular day, neither of us were expecting to get 'THE CALL'. 

After replaying the message a few times and trying not to screech into the phone (or throughout our entire neighborhood) we both were 100% over the moon.  Emotions flooding everywhere!  One of the potential birth moms that was mentioned to us has selected us as the adoptive parents!!  Let me say that again....we were chosen by the birth mom!  Our adoption coordinator (Irene) gave us the preliminary information about this particular birth mother and gave us as much time as we needed to go over everything.  Irene did wish us well in getting some sleep that night (HA!).  So, we discussed the situation and came to the conclusion that, yes, this is a good situation and we accepted.  We called the adoption agency first thing the next morning (June 1st)...well we had to keep in mind that they are 3 hours behind us - so waiting until Noon (Eastern time) was just about the longest morning ever!  Irene said the sweetest words we could ever hear, "Congratulations... you're going to be parents!"  We had to remember to breathe.

Here are the basics:

• Our baby is due late Nov/early Dec - if all goes well and there are no signs of early labor or medically needing to 'take' the baby early (via c-section) for whatever reason
• The sex of the baby is not known at this time; and the decision to find out is up to the birth mother
• Our baby will be born in California
• Both birth parents are involved; they are in agreement with the adoption plan and will sign the release  paperwork after the birth
• This will be an open adoption - terms will be negotiated (and agreed upon) by both the birth parents and adoptive parents in the very near future

At this time, no decisions have been made regarding visits before the baby arrives or who will (or will not) be present at the hospital for the birth; all of us are working through the details - definitely some phone calls, maybe some Skype chats and hopefully a face-to-face before the baby gets here.

Those are the basics as we have them today. And yes - we are as excited as you’d think (possibly even more)!!  That goes without saying. We can’t believe this happened so fast, in the grand scheme of adoption and the lengthy process it can be.  Our heads are spinning and we're trying to let it all sink in...it doesn't seem real yet.

We’ll keep everyone updated on the important stuff as we go along. Adoption is sometimes complicated and/or uncertain, but this seems like a great situation for everyone involved, and the birth parents are as excited as we are. It’s been a crazy few days for sure.

Love and Hugs to all!