Happy Father's Day (by Adam)

So it is my first father's day, and with that it has come time for me to post on our blog my thoughts, feelings, etc.  So here it goes...

I have a great father.  I could write a whole blog posting on him and how he helped shape my life and made me the man I am today.  He was strict with me when needed, he was understanding about things, he helped me when I needed help.  He and my mother were both teachers, and they new how important education was.  They both made sure we did well in school, that we got the best teachers, that we went on to college.  And I wanted to have a chance to be like that for my child or my children.  To help shape and mold them but also let them grow.  And I always thought that would happen someday.  But….

I guess it would be an understatement to say I was scared as of a few years ago. Scared for many reasons.

First I was scared for both Rachel and myself when we came to the realization that on our own, we were not going to be able to conceive a child.  Try as we might various things, it just wasn't meant to be.  And I know that both of us wanted to have at least one child if not two.  I think both of us would have been okay if it just ended up the two of us growing old together, but deep down I know we both wanted to have a family, and if the traditional way just was not going to pan out, maybe other things needed to be looked into.

Then I was scared about adoption.  It had been mentioned and discussed before, but I never really considered it because I thought we could do things on our own and be fine.  But when that didn't happen, and you have a wonderful wife who certainly deserves to have a child, and raise that child, and support that child, etc. you suddenly contemplate things you might not have before.  And I was scared of how others might view us (or me), or how our child would be viewed, or how the whole process is now versus years and years ago, and how birthmother interaction works, and how open versus semi-open versus closed adoptions work, etc.  Scared of what family and friends would think.  Scared of a very different unknown.  

But after talking and investigating how it all works, we decided to go down the path of adoption.  Now certain planning parts went fine.  Getting a packet together explaining who we are, why we are looking to adopt, etc wasn't too bad.  Getting set up with an adoption agency wasn't bad.  Having a social worker interview us and check out our house was just fine (we got lucky as she ended up being from Rochester).  But when we finally got matched up with a birthmother, and had a countdown as to when things are going to happen, then it started to get scary again.  Scary that we had to get things in order, that we had to see how to handle being away in California for a while, scary on who can watch the house, on how we manage expenses, etc.  Scary that there is always a small chance that things fall thru, either beforehand or once we are out there with the child.  And as bad luck would have it, we became "unmatched" when the birthmother was just doing to many things that seemed fishy, and making too many demands, etc.  

Which put us sort of back to square one.  And let me just say here that Rachel dove head first into the whole adoption process once we decided this is what we wanted to do.  She researched things, we got books about it, she had online articles and blogs and all sorts of stuff.  And one of the things she got a hold of was a blog with other mothers who were about to or already have adopted children.  And these mothers would let others know when a lawyer that they may have worked with in the past has a new potential birthmother and how to get in touch with the lawyer for more information.  A little while after we became "unmatched", a lawyer that one of the mothers on the blog told Rachel about happened to have a situation come up.  And it was a good one.  And we sent our information to her, and the birthmother ended up picking us!!!  We were back to being excited and scared again.  Ironically it was a birthmother in California again, right around similar dates as the previous one.  So the plans we were already working on we just kept with.   

As it got closer there were things that came up with the birthmother that kept me scared.  Was she getting to all of her doctor appointments, was she making sure to eat well for both her and our child, was she staying out of trouble, was she using birthmother expenses the right way.  Many times we were scared that things were starting to go awry and that things might fall apart again.  But we just kept faith that this was supposed to be our child and forged ahead. 

And finally January 1^st 2012 came and we were out in Sacramento, CA.  Birthmother was slated to be due around the 15^th so we had plenty of time, right?  Wrong, as the next day we get a call at 9:30am from our California lawyer that the birthmother gave birth at 12:46am that morning.  Holy moly!!!  Off to a hospital we go, which was not one of the original agreed upon hospitals that had our information as to who we are and how the adoption was going to go.  So the lawyer had to get those records faxed over, we get to the hospital and had to wait about 45 minutes until everything was in order, and then it was time to meet the birthmother and our daughter face-to-face.  Another scary situation.  We get up to the room, and were put to ease right off the bat as the birthmother told a nurse in the room that the “parents are here”.  And with that we got to see and hold Daphne Jane for the first time.  And when that happened…

All the scariness was worth it, and it all went away real fast.  We got to hold Daphne, and feed her, and change her, and for pretty much the next 48 hours, when possible, we were by her side.  And afterwards, when she came home with us to the place we rented in Sacramento, she was right with us in our room until we came back to North Carolina.  And while I might be nervous and a tad scared making sure that we take care of and raise Daphne right, this seems to be par with all other fathers, which makes me happy that we chose to adopt and have this opportunity to have a family.  This decision was one of the best I have ever made, and it was because Rachel showed me an option I wasn’t considering before.  Thank God she did, for I can’t think of NOT having Daphne Jane in our life.  And our families and friends could not be more supportive of us and especially of Daphne!!!  We have a grandparent and great-grandparent who helped take care of the house while we were gone and helped us thru the first month+ when we brought Daphne home, we have grandparents that came down with so many gifts of toys and outfits and other things that we may not have to buy any clothes for Daphne until she turns 2 or 3.  We have siblings come down for her baptism, we have friends come in from other parts of North Carolina and South Carolina to celebrate with us, we have Aunts and Uncles who sent well wishes and gifts, etc.  I realized very quickly that there was no reason to be scared about what family and friends will think.

Daphne is over 5 months old now, and she is a hoot.  She smiles at everyone, she makes crazy sounds, she sleeps pretty well, daycare loves her, and every Tuesday I get to stay home with her and hang out with her as she looks around at things, as she does tummy time and gets stronger, we read together, etc.  And I feel very lucky, very proud, and very excited that Daphne is in our life.  It was meant to be this way. 

I am sure fatherhood has many lessons to teach me along the way.  And I am thankful I will now have the opportunity to take on those lessons while raising Daphne.  I know that I can lean on people like my father, my brother, and my brother-in-law when I have questions, concerns, ideas, etc.  I think for me the first lesson was you don’t have to be scared, just be happy.  And that is just what I am.